the end of january state of thursday address.

So that's january, the cold and bleak month, out of the way. Far too much wierdness, loss, change and bad news on the tellybox going on to call it in any way a good month. I'm hoping that february is better. I won't jinx it by suggesting it couldn't get much worse, because the potential is there for it to get much much worse. For one there is the emotional nightmare of valentine's day looming. If I get a card it'll creep me out, if I don't i'll feel unloved and dejected. Ha! I'll bottle that one and bring it out in a couple of weeks maybe. Happy thoughts people, happy thoughts. There are some good times planned for february, a birthday or two and various potential beginnings to look forward to. Its almost daffodil o'clock too. Which is always nice. At least i'm not living in kenya or one of the 1.3 million 'at risk' home owners in the UK or a whale curious about a japanese boat...

Anyhoo. Last night was the usual mix of laughs and beer. Stuff happened, conversations were had, beer was drunk...the smoking ban exploited in the best of ways...the normal kind of thing, but the quality of it was good last night. Vintage if you like. Got some good chatting in with Smithers and his side kick Blake7 who I havn't seen for ages. Vague plans were made.
My new year's resolution to reclaim some territory and drink more, is panning out nicely and opening up some opportunities. I did a Year Of Hermitude in 06, a Year Of Running Deep with extended family (Ohana as they call it in Lilo and Stitch) in 07...this year... is The Year Of Beer, The Pub and Cowboy Films. Well maybe, life is a fluid path through the scenery. Its good to have a plan and a direction at least.

Was quite hammered when I came home... and irritated by the guy on the bus who was demanding to see company policy about 'no food or drink on the bus'. Fecking idiot he was. In the time it took him to argue his pedantic and silly point with the bus driver he could've eaten his kebab, bought his ticket and been sat on the bus with his mate discussing the many failures in his life. He and his embarrassed mate eventually scuttled off towards the taxi rank with his cold kebab after we all, the other passengers, the driver and the station manager, made it clear to him he was being a dick.

After meeting Mrs Jones (...we got a thiiiing going onnn...) for lunch and a hangover curing bucket of coffee, I went and had a hair cut today. I asked the hair cutting fella to give me a short and scruffy with Tin Tin tuft in front. I'm happy with it. I love having my haircut. Or someone just playing with it. Hmmmm.
*This hair cut probably has 'nothing' to do with a point (by proxy) made by Nick last night about my (grr.definately not receeding) hairline. All I could say to that (by proxy...) is that at 36, i'd rather have a slight (and it is only slight) recession of hairline whilst still having good legs and a nice arse...than...we'll, the opposite. I suppose.
So there.
;)

Its the grey hairs I have found in my beard that concern me more. That and i'm not as tall as everyone else as dragondrop like to point out from time to time. Although I am the tallest person in my actual immediate family (that I actually know, I suspect one of my 'never met them' brothers is taller than me). Which is nice.

The plan for the rest of the day is to sort out clothes for tomorrow's funeral, smoke some pizza topping and then watch some star wars or harry potter in bed. Its too cold and crappy to go visit The First Life Couple, which was my plan. And anyway the wind and rain would muck up my new short and scruffy haircut.

That is all.

Mind the gap.

Nana. A eulogy.

Its difficult to know where to start talking about my experiences and memories of nana. Difficult to verbalise just what she meant to me. I never noticed her getting older. To me she looked the same just before this last christmas as she did 30 years ago.

She was different things to different people, something I only realised later in life. A loyal and dedicated lifelong friend to some, a caring and devoted sister to others. A devout disliker of blue flatcaps apparently... To me she was someone with whom I always knew where I stood, in my youth she wouldn't let me get away with things ( quite rightly, she wasn't too keen on boys), whilst my mum and dad were away. But that's not to say she was a strict disciplinarian, far from it. She just made it clear that she knew what I was up to just enough to let my guilt stop me from doing it. As an adult I was her cheeky grandson and she was Gert, but the same relationship applied, she'd let me know just enough... I don't think we ever fell out, we were much to fond of each other for that.
As a family we moved a great deal from town to town, country to country, sometimes we all lived somewhere, other times it was just my mum and I in a flat in some distant corner of the world. I always used to say to my friends that I often failed to recognise the outside of whichever house we had because of the regularity of our moves, but I knew it was home by the furniture in the front room.
The truth is, of course that nana was one of those great consistencies in my life. If she was stood in the kitchen smoking her Rothman's, eating an orange doing the crossword and keeping her eye on me and making sure I wasn't up to mischief, then I was home. If that was Bush Hill Park during the school holidays, harrogate, the lake district, london or france it made no difference. There were many things that made our home, she was an important one.

Considering she was an Edwardian child, her sense of conformity was somewhat post-modern too. She had her attitudes and particular prejudices from that generation obviously, but she could always pull out from under her rocking chair a surprise. Whether it be happily watching a couple getting 'jiggy with it' on a beach (should the occasion present itself), or managing to quit smoking at 86 yrs old, after 60 odd years...
Nana, whose husband died in 1965, said only a year or so ago when she asked if I was "stepping out" with anyone and I had replied "no";
"ooh you do right" she said, "last thing anyone needs is someone always looking over your shoulder and checking up on them all the time. If you're on your own, you don't have to ask anyone's permission to do what you want, you can just go and enjoy yourself".
It makes me smile still. Of all the family I have, I always thought she would be the 'old school' one who'd be disappointed that I hadn't settled down and married etc etc. But here she was at 97 years old giving me her blessing and a good reason to carry on as I am. All with a knowing sparkle in her eye.
There are conversations she and I never had, I think now we didn't need to.

It'd be great to write how she changed the world, saved the poor and hungry of the third world or single handedly stopped the First and Second World Wars. But she didn't. She was more important than that. She was my Gert, my nana, in later years even a friend. It wasn't a surprise when she died but it was a shock. Somewhere in my head I had assumed she was immortal, because she has always been there.
I will miss her burps and her being in my life terribly.

Sweet dreams Nana. Goodbye.
xx

His story repeating itself

Sunday.
Another goldfish committed suicide by trying to escape the tank. Bake this time. Emergency oxygen input proceedures into the tank and a lid should keep the buggers in place from now on. Bloody fish and thier bids for freedom.
Spent most of the day watching series 4 of Futurama in pyjamas with Moo. We left Chambers only to get a bit of lunchbox shopping from Jacksons. Moo wore her 'heelies' (chunky trainers with a wheel in the heel), which she hasn't quite mastered yet so the two minute walk turned into half an hour as every step was weighed down by her clung to my mid rift to stop herself falling over. Which she did of course.
In one of those sychronous moments that happen, an old friend from some previous life drove by and waved. I spent the rest of the day and evening answering the 'whats', 'whys' and 'whens' that Moo felt compelled to ask about said previous life and friendship. Its not until you find yourself trying to explain things to an eight year old that you see how silly we 'grown ups' can be...

Monday.
Back to the job centre again. Hurumph. They're pleasant enough up there, even encouraging but I have to say that the process weighs me down. It has become an annual habit i'm not proud of. It would be nice to have a gig that lasts for once, one that pays enough to live off and that I can just do leaving me some head space to do my thing... I'm sure something will turn up, but being officially an unemployment statistic just reinforces the situation and sense of uselessness (now where did I put my Prozac?). I'm not saying this with any sense of self-pity but the skills I have are either (in terms of graphics) the common denominator or simply obsolete. I've spent my time trying to be the artist...

To lighten the mood I met my very own (me and) Mrs Jones (we meet everyday, at the same café...) for a coffee and lunch date, we flirted as we always do and laughed about our 'pretend' (or is it? Hmm?) affair and the associated gossip. One of those people I am truly glad to know, she makes me feel comfortable in my skin, gives a good hug and happily listens to my inane ramblings. She also bought Moo and I the first season of Futurama...for which Mrs Jones gets a full 10 points.

Returned to Knaresborough to do the school run and ended up going with Elsa to a derelict, burnt out building to take photos. The building was owned by the late Jacob Smith sisters and is, in my humble opinion, a marvellous example of Edwardian architecture. The local council however have scheduled it for demolition so that a developer can build a million (well nineteen actually) faceless people dwellings on the site. Such a shame. I'm not against development as a rule, we do need more housing afterall and modern architecture generally excites me. But the demolition of this 100 yr old building is such an easy option and goes against the ethos of knaresborough's conservation and planning regulations, it could easily be converted to half a dozen 'luxury' apartments and the remainder of the site would still be big enough to build the rest. The buildings that will replace it will be the same standard derivative mediocre crap that gets thrown up by developers and builders all over the country. Hmm. Rant over. Richard is going to write a letter to someone with authority to try and sort it out.

So now its tuesday... I have forms to fill in. Hmm. Better get on with that then.

The jacob smith house shortly before it's unnecessary demolition

A dark but harmonious point between faith and logic

And now just the family please...

Subject: And now just the family please...

Bobby, one of my two large beautiful goldfish and who was named after a brother I have never known, died friday. He had managed to hurl himself out of the fish tank and into the bin. I'm thinking it was an accident. He would often chase the floating thermometre around the tank, jumping and splashing at it...he maybe just got a bit too enthusiastic. Moo and I were quite sad about this. Too many deaths and losses recently.
The recently arrived goldfish known, up until today, as B.C. will now be named Bradley (after my step-father), to fulfill the criteria laid down by my odd sense of goldfish naming protocols. If you're interested the next names on the list are Bof and Bruno. But I hope not to need them for some time.

Saturday.
In an attempt to get some air and feel the ground beneath our feet, my sister, Moo and I went up to Fountains Abbey for a walk. Been loads of times before now but the dark drama of the site never ceases to amaze me. It is a quiet and beautiful place but there are echoes of the destructive forces of time everywhere. I've never thought of it as a peaceful place... its more of a bleak, slowly-but-surely-eroding-away-to-nothing kinda peace I suppose.
Moo seemed to think she'd had her photo taken on this particular spot before, I'm guessing she came up here with her mum sometime. Having checked, its not a photo that is in my collection. Heh, no matter. We explored the ruins and I took some photos (see flickr), its what I do by default these days.
Was good to get out today, my head and faceholes are still full of man-cold and the option was there to have a slobby day again but managed to talk (and bribe) Moo around to the idea of putting coats and wellies on.
Went back to my sister's in Summerbridge for dinner, where inevitably the conversaion turned to our other shared but estranged sibling who it seems has washed her hands of us entirely. No point or need to go into all that, not even sure why I mentioned it...just another frustration to add to the others at the moment I guess. I do think it a bit funny that I technically started out life with five brothers and sisters and now I actually only have one (and I aint about to lose that one). The others aren't dead, my family just misplaced them over the years...don't know three of them from the bloke/woman on the street, never have known them. Always knew 'of' them though.
Hmm...I find myself pondering what affect that has had on my personal relationships over the years... Probably nothing, but I do have a habit of thinking of good friends (and their associated offspring) as like family though...maybe blood isn't necessarily thicker than water afterall, maybe in today's world we can choose who our extended families are and who our actual families are not.
I dunno. Doesn't really matter does it. At the end of the day some people mean something important to us and other people just don't. Some people meant something important once, but now, they no longer do. Important thing is to make the most of what you've got whilst you've got it, because the universal truth is that all things run their course, change and inevitably end.
Time is the unstoppable erosion on all things both subject and object...just like the tourist attraction that is the ruins of what was once Fountains Abbey...

A friend popped by the other day for tea and asked me about the text on a doodle i'd done of Knaresborough Castle. The text was from a song...
It can be todays blog soundtrack as it is quite relevant on various levels...

Song; Free as a Bird
Artist: Beatles
Album: Anthology 1 (disc one)

A Day In The Life image buffet.

The best cowboy film I have seen ever

No Country for Old Men. Best film. If you havn't seen it. You should. Brilliant brilliant brilliant.

The thursday (weekend eve as it is also known) report.

Firstly i'd like to say thank you to those of you who have over the last week written/said/sent such kind thoughts about my nana's passing.
It really is very kind of you and a comfort to know I have such caring, supportive friends that know just what to say when I need to hear it. Thankyou. Love to you all.
Vi was always one of the great consistencies in my life and I kinda hoped she always would be, I never actually seemed to notice she was getting older and older. Although it wasn't a surprise when she died, it was a shock.
The funeral is next friday. My family has asked me to say (to those concerned) that rather than sending flowers we'd be very grateful and very much appreciate that gesture being made as a donation to a cancer charity (Cancer Research UK is my particular choice) as that is now, ultimately what took both of my grandparents. It is a good cause and what Vi would have wanted.

So the thursday report. Hmm. What to say?
I'll skip over the frustration and panic i'm feeling about how i'm going to pay my rent, my bills and feed my daughter.

I've gone and caught some cold bug thing. Laying in bed with a cup of tea, got a headache, my sinuses and faceholes feeling like they are full of cotton wool and dust and hot flushes of the dizzy kind make me curl up and bury my face in my pillow. I thought it was a hangover when I woke up this morning. But i've not had a hangover like this before and anyway I didn't drink that much last night...not really.
There was a general sense of oddness floating around yesterday. If I thought I was having a bad couple of weeks then I am reassured that it isn't just me. Actually before the full moon edgeyness of the pub last night, I had had quite a productive day. I have started to put myself out there as a freelance designer/artist/whatever, I finally managed to pull my lazy ass up to the local gallery to go through my portfolio, they said they'd take some of the more saleable stuff late february and early march and some (as yet unpainted) pics for a thing in May. They also pointed me in the direction of a gallery in york who would probably be very interested. All good stuff. I was going to go through to york today with Loubie (who also, independantly, suggested the same gallery in york yesterday) to sort that out, but with the man flu i'm suffering with.... (oww my head hurts. Cough cough cough. sniff)
A couple of other interesting leads popped up yesterday too, which just require a phone call. They're both on the Things To Do Before I Die List. So I won't jinx them by flaffing about them now.

So anyway, climbed (from the inside) the steeple of a church in Boroughbridge yesterday morning with Richard the Architect, which was exciting. I'll sort out the panoramic pic for paintMonkey's flickr site this afternoon. I was quite enjoying myself on top of the church until Javan the Photographer rang me just to demonstrate that he is a control freak and twat. I suspect that i'm not going to get the money he owes me. (Ohh, there's that panic in my stomach again.)

Found myself in Harrogate mid afternoon trying to get some enthusiasm together for the regular mid week celebrations, but save for a couple of the usual suspects it was very quiet and, like I mentioned earlier, a bit 'full Moon Wierd'. The Minister and I quit the pub and returned to Moonie's for pork pie, cheese and chuckney. We got a bit stoned and talked about poiltics AND religion... And how I doubt i'll even want to meet a significant other after all this time single...

Other than feeling crappy when I woke up I remembered the dream I had been having. Without telling you the sordid details of the dream itself, it occurred to me that I have again developed a crush on someone. Kinda contradicts what I was chatting to the Minister about last night. So I have decided, for consistency and ease I shall do nothing about it at all.

I realise that there are many many happy couples out there, in fact some of the couples I know are properly perfect happy partnerships without shackles or restrictions and I wouldn't have it any other way for them but in my personal experience....Who needs relationships anyway? They just fuck everything up. And they generally end in tears...one way or another.
Like my Nana, whose husband died in 1965, said only a year or so ago when she asked if I was "stepping out" with anyone and I had replied "no";
"ooh you do right, last thing anyone needs is someone always looking over your shoulder and checking up on you all the time. If you're on your own, you don't have to ask anyone's permission to do what you want, you can just go and enjoy yourself".
It makes me smile still. Of all the family I have, I always thought she would be disappointed that I hadn't settled down and married etc etc. But here she was at 97 years old giving me her blessing and a good reason to carry on as I am. All with a knowing sparkle in her eye. There are conversations she and I never had, I think now we didn't need to.
I will miss her.

That is all.

Crazy woman on a Bike, Smellington and The Piano Man at the start of the evening shift.

Commentary will come later.

A god's eye view of boroughbridge

Rainy days and mondays.

Pah!

I'm having a Losing-the-will-to-live Day.
An exgirlfriend once said fondly that I was her [very own] tin soldier...I always liked that, but now I feel like my inner mechanics are broken and my once smart paint is dented, chipped and scuffed.

I'll get over it...but Pah! anyway.

The monkey in the corner wrote the lesson in his book...

Artist: roger waters
Album: amused to death.

a saturday afternoon blues bar safari with the Piano Man

a saturday afternoon blues bar safari with the Piano Man
Originally uploaded by paintMonkey

...hung out with The Piano Man, had a laugh and shared perspectives on life... feeling flaked out from the last few days, i went for some quality chillaxing time with the most excellent First Life Couple...and their new PS3.

stat.

Harrogate town versus barrow. 2-2 at close of play..

The kicthen of 59 franklin road a few years on

Oh yes. I would have thought it not possible. But here I is. 59 franklin road. 15 years on.
they've decorated the place since i lived here with Dragondrop and Unyon, it actually looks like a homely, nice place to be now...

The view from the bus window on the way to the blues bar pretty much reflected my mood.

I had to write myself a list of things to do.
It involves me getting my shit together. Spent the last two days staring at the space between my walls.
That isn't going to help.
Neither is going to the pub, but after kicking nick in the face I thought it best to make sure we were okay. We were of course...

I'll hold a mirror up to the goldfish in their glass cage and this is what they'll see.

"count the days"
Artist: (prince and the) NPG
Album: "Exodus"

No one's gonna take me alive, the time has come to make things right, you and I must fight for our rights, you and I must fight to survive.

"knights of cydonia"
Artist: Muse
Album: Black Holes and Revelations

The thursday morning report.

Still not sure how to feel about what happened yesterday.

When I had just received the news from my step-father, I got up and made myself a cuppa tea and cigarette. My first thoughts were of the loss, and the fact that I won't have the opportunity to be her cheeky grandson again. I had a proper chest heaving sob once or twice and that certainly made me feel that I could handle the rest of day.
Almost immediately following that was the thing I mentioned yesterday...her voice and scenes from her life both playing in my head, i'm not suggesting any hocus pocus or ghosties, that's not her style...but I felt elated for her, happy that she was with her brothers, sisters and her husband...probably all doing the hokey cokey cockney style for an eternity... :)
And that's the feeling I carried with me for most of the day.

My family and I went for lunch in Café Rouge and drank pernod and toasted Violet. Nana didn't really drink much of anything, in my lifetime she only ever drank pernod from a glass threatened with a drop lining the bottom.. And only then once a year on her birthday and/or christmas. It was one and the same day so I never knew what she was drinking for. I never thought to ask.
I alone probably drank as much pernod at lunch yesterday as nana did in the last ten years. Between us we probably drank as much as she did in...crikey...40 years.

A trip to the hospital chapel to see her (hastily) laid out body, was something I kinda wish I hadn't done now.
She didn't look right. Her right eye was slightly open, her teeth had slipped and there was lint on her face. The blanket covering her had been tucked in between her chin and neck collar giving her a too tense, uncomfortable look.
All I could think was 'its not her, its not her' as my mother, my sister and niece wept. I bent down and kissed her forehead and whispered 'sweet dreams'. She was cold. I wasn't expecting that. Cold like a waxwork in Tussards.

Then I went to the pub. And got drunk. Pints of smooth with jamiesons chasers. With reassuring hugs and pats on the back from mates.... It wasn't long before I was pissed beyond distraction. Probably made an ass of myself. I often do in that state of mind. I try too hard to enjoy myself, or try too hard to have a conversation... Women and girls were annoying me and the band was too loud. I wondered off with nick.
We ended up at a mate's house talking about the pros and cons of bisexuality. At one point I kicked nick in the face. I don't know why...but thankfully cj piled in and broke it up before nick tore me a new one. I think it was an accident. Its not like me to get aggressive or violent. Everything was okay when I left. I was even quite proud that after all these years, I had made nick (he is proper hard fighting bloke) bleed. Even if it was a lucky strike in an accident :)

Caught the last bus home alone with my dixie chicken. I remember feeling real anger when I was alone in the quiet of Chambers. Not with anyone or anything, but really angry nonetheless. Wanted to shout, hit things, smash, break and throw things. I didn't, like I say that's not my style, but the feeling was almost overwhelming.
I rolled myself a bifta and my double vision blurred...I woke up shivering at 0630 naked and on top of my duvet feeling like shit.

I hadn't been sick. So thats something.

I can hear her voice and scenes from her long life are playing in my head.

Like the sun, dear
Upon high
We'll return, dear
To the sky
And we'll banish the pain and the sorrow
Until tomorrow goodbye.

"one more kiss"
Artist: vangellis
Album: BladeRunner OST

This morning.

My nana died at 0545 this morning.
She was 98 years old.

Quite numb.

Moo drew me a picture on my pocket pc after my sister rang from the hospital.

...a little part of it in everyone, but every junkie is like a setting sun.

"the needle and the damage done"
Artist: neil young
Album: "harvest"

I've taken my hat off now. It was a bit soggy and the bitterness was dripping onto my face and down my back.

On top of the situation now. Goodness only knows i've had plenty of experience of being suddenly jobless. Plenty more things to do yet.
Everything is good again. Or very soon will be once my playlist has moved onto another song.

So what's next? Ahh! Yes...

What's that over there....?

Fades out to:
"Out of the Blue (Into the Fire)"
Artist: The The
Album: Infected

Having returned to Chambers, I removed my anger from where the sun don't shine and put it on as a hat. A floppy hat with a big brim.

Song: "Born to Lose"
Artists: Leonard Cohen and Elton John
Album: Elton John "Duets"

I'll apologise now.
Sorry if things go a little (more than usual) self pitying from here on in. But as ...most... regular visitors will already appreciate, that is what this blog is all about. It keeps things balanced for me, it vents my thought stream of crap that otherwise would send me spiralling downward again. And it also saves my friends from having to listen to me moaning on.
Its my blog and i'll write what I want to. If you don' like it, well then, tough. Go read someone else's blog.
[grabs security blanket and dummy]

If you're sitting comfortably, then we'll crack on.

[clears throat] ahem.
I'm so god damn sick of being the schmuck who loses the job.
There have been, over the years, occasions where it was quite rightly deserved, I have been a bit arsey towards authority figures/management once or twice in the past for example. But this time was actually not like that. I was polite, patient and kept my opinions to myself, probably for the longest period of time and under the most extreme circumstances (javan is a proper constant drama queen) I have found myself in. I did the job. And I did it well.
Its just not fair I tell you.
[cuddles blanket and sucks on dummy]
;)

Fuckstick he is. He isn't even a particularly good photographer. I have spent the last three months, being the guy who touched up his under exposed snaps, removing the dust specs and turning his studio shots into something worth presenting to whichever gulible client he was fleecing whilst trying to placate the often miserable other clients. Considering he has 30 years of experience, he rarely has any idea of what he's talking about and is incapable of creating anything but cliche'd, pedestrian mediocrity. He was all proud the other day with some shots of a naked 24 exotic dancer from a club in leeds. They were rather nice, true, but seriously...how difficult is it to get good photos of a naked 24 year exoctic dancer after two hours alone with her?
But unless you tell him he's the best photographer in the country (which without post modern irony he actually believes) and blow smoke up his ass like some sychophantic schmo, he's not interested in cerebral opinions from the talent around him that would help develop a project.
His loss.

Time for me to get the monkey working for me now.
I have an outline plan. Which is workable, even do-able. Just a few things need sorting and putting in place.

That is all for now.
But i'm still wearing my hat, and i'm more than likely not finished moaning just yet.

Up until now....

Up until now and with good reason i've bit my lip about someone. But not now, not anymore. Tosser.
A man more self congratulatory, self obsessed and up his own ass, I have yet to meet.
I speak about Javan Liam the photographer. My, now, ex employer.
I left work on friday feeling very positive about my position within the mini structure studio. I was effectively studio manager, although at one point I was told my job title was Asst Creative Director, which sounds much more impressive than it was. Here was a job I knew how to manage, and (i was reassured by Stieglitz only last night) a job I was managing nicely. I was using software I am confident with, working on a subject matter that I am keen on. As jobs go, it ticked all the major boxes. PaintMonkey was actually being a paintmonkey...Although the pay was crap...it was enough.
I started work today, started on the list of things-a-doing, got into it...head down and steady away. Before I knew what was happening, javan was ranting on about nothing and getting increasingly aggressive. Using his pointy finger to 'just tell me' that he didn't like the tone of my voice (i hadn't actually said anything). He then fired me. I must be the fifteenth person to sit at that desk in the last twelve months. He is slightly unhinged. If my opinion means anything to anybody, please find another photographer to do your photography. In my time there I have to say that I rarely came across a happy ad satisfied customer. Need I say more?
Anyway...it goes without saying that i'm now thinking about what to do now. I know with a certain pomposity that I could do the photographer thing for myself...but I have obstacles...
Any ideas anyone?

I fell in love with the actress, she was playing a part that I could understand.

"a man needs a maid"
Artist: Niel Young
Album: "harvest"

So as I slob on the sofa, glass of red wine in hand and bifta smouldering away in the ashtray... here's a couple of things that's got me mulling this sunday evening:

First up:
I don't read the Sunday Sport. Not out of prejudice, but because i'm not so keen on the content and/or editorial style of the paper...i'm not even sure if it is still published to be honest. Same applies to jeffrey archer novels. Don't like them. Don't like the way Archer writes, or indeed what he is generally writing about, so I don't read them.
Why would I put myself through that? Why?
It would serve only to add to the negative stresses in my life.
Hmm...I had a weird dream the night before last you see and its stuck with me since .
I was being forced (by myself scarily) to read the above paper and novels by archer... I was abroad somewhere... I was supposed to get british and regional current affairs from only those...very frustrating.....was/is an odd thing.
Anyway...

[sips wine and inhales fumes from cigarette]

Secondly;
Over the most excellent new year shindig at Dragondrop Centraal just after my first few marriage proposals had been 'passed on' by Little Miss Lovely and as I was tending to a 'man down' casualty of beer, I was posed an interesting situation:
"bear or lion?...in a fight...who'd win?"

I immediately went for the lion. King of beasts, top of foodchain and, lets be honest, a perfectly designed land killing thing. General consensus seemed to go with the bear though. I still don't agree. But there you go, we all have an opinion. The discussion went a little westward when The Minister suggested that Star Trek is better than Star Wars...silly thing to say with conviction. Just Silly, even if he is an ordained minister.
The subsequent 'mulling' has been on fights between things and characters. It should be balanced, there is no point putting Orvil the Duck in there with a shark for example...although that's a fight i'd pay to see...The Piano Man presented the situation of Rhino versus Land Rover Discovery the other night which is a fair fight I think...Head on and both at speed the Land Rover wins hands down obviously...but put the two in a cage with nothing but a couple of chairs and a broken bottle...? Well the rhino has it easily in round 2.

So then, following no rational process I thought of al pacino's scarface...versus al pacino's fella from th godfather... In a cage etc.
The winner was scarface.

so...and this can be This Week's New deCompetition if you like (as last weeks got quite a response)...:

Fight One:
Han solo versus indiana jones?

Fight Two:
Alan rickman's fella in Die Hard versus alan rickman's Sheriff of Nottingham in that otherwise silly robin hood film with the eternally wet kevin costner and that damned brian adams song... (i once got back together with a girlfriend because of that song's omnipresence... [shudders]...we had a lovely holiday together as a result though, so not all bad)

They are in The Cage and have only a couple of chairs and broken bottle each.
The winners from games 1&2 will face each other in the final on ..er..thursday.
Who wins these games here and why? Predict the final and the ultimate champion...
Email your answers using the link (just there on the right of your screen below the list of other people...it says 'mail me')
Winners will receive...ohh I dunno...an actual doodle on a real piece of paper. I might even colour it in for you.

Last week's winner is Anna! Well done etc, we'll do coffee sometime. :)

Tofu is runner up.well done etc.
But as you live in Elsewhere currently and don't drink coffee...you can have this voucher for a glass of water for when you return ;)

Monday looms.
Moo and I spent the weekend hibernating in our pygamas and our space. Oddly its these kinds of 'hanging/slobbing' moments of doing nothing that we both miss the most by being part-time dad/daughter. It becomes all to easy to be doing 'something' every time she is with me, before you realise what has happened two months will have passed since we just slobbed...which kinda only reinforces the part-time element. So we've had a lovely quality time of it.
I even managed to tidy Chambers (a little).

[continues...]

School run elsa bluetooth

On the way to the hospital to see my almost immortal grandmother, I saw a pretty light thing. It cheered me up a little.

On the way to the hospital to see my almost immortal grandmother, I saw a pretty light thing. It cheered me up a little.
Originally uploaded by paintMonkey

The long game. Game on.

Some things, it seems, are easily avoided. Before you know it 98 years and a whole lifetime has passed.

Today, on the day that Sir Edmund Hillary dies, we were told the ultimate fate of my grandmother;
Stomach cancer. For a while now the mass in her stomach has been slowed in its progress by excessive acid, ironically caused by the mass itself.
The treatment she is receiving is to nuetralise that excessive acid and the discomfort that it causes her. The cancer's growth will now be unobstructed. She most probably won't be getting her telegram from the queen now.

All things considered and through her fog of age and medication, she is in good spirits, she laughed at a couple of my idiotic banter lines, well, those that she could hear, and did her best to engage my sister and I in conversation. She is to be moved to a care home after the weekend...

An evening of mates, laughs, ale and a cowboy film (jedi chases bearded bond) at dragondrop centraal, reminded me that there are journeys yet to take and the path still continues. The destination is the journey, so lets take in some of the scenery.

Game on.

At the risk of being misinterpreted, and after some consideration...i'll carry on as normal. Or.

The photo is of Billy and Bobby. They, Bertha and (the snails all known as) Brian were joined recently by BC and Bake. I'm sure we all extend a welcoming hand to the new arrivals in the fish tank. Hurah!

A good night in with top buddies last night. They stepped in last minute to fill the space left by a date who had stood me up/bailed. So we ate chinese, drank cava, watched a film, recorded some camp star trek voice-overs and talked happy crap. Had a laugh.
This was followed by a night of terrible stomach cramps and associated nastiness on my part. Every time I began to drift off to sleep I had o rush to the bathroom again. Nasty. Just nasty. Apparently there is a bug going around...I should ring the other guys to see they were ok...

Anyway, I didn't wake up properly til 330 this afternoon only to find that the date with little miss lovely for this evening was cancelled too, although I shoulda guessed that already. (thats two strikes. Only one remaining...although I may show leniency for the fact she was ill. Or I may not, depends how malicious i'm feeling...in fact I will. Cos technically/hopefully it would've been a saturday date that spilled over to the sunday date, therefore only being one date in total. So that's one strike. Glad that's sorted. I can move on now.)
Moving along, I rang cj to see what he was up to instead and what time the apparently exciting band/fella/artist was playing in the blues bar...but although he was up for meeting he had plans to off somewhere and play pool as the band/fella/artist was a no show. (Bloody artists. Its always about them innit? Tut!)
Should I go through to harrogate on a date that's been cancelled, to see a band/fella/artist who is a no show, to instead hang out with a mate who is off somewhere else only to spend cash I haven't actually got to spend?
Hmm. Tough one.

I had so many plans this w/e and they've all (except last night) evaporated into nothing. And here I am blogging the mostly nothing of it all.
Or...am I?
Send your answers to me in an email. There's a link you can click, just over there, on the right hand side of the screen. Winners will receive, if not a blue peter badge...er...I dunno...a coffee sometime, maybe. If you're nice.
:)

Just one of those weekends I guess.
Maybe I should have a shave, clean my Chambers and do some laundry.... Or... some painting!? Ooh! There's a thought...

Now where did I put my ego?
Are yes, there it is, all damp, mishapen and useless.

(to be continued...)

Due to a contextual appropriation anomaly etc etc. Here is some more music and the Notes taken during an evening in with The First Life Couple (from off the tele you know) at my Chambers.

Purple Rain (oh what the heck, the whole damn album...play Darling Nikki a couple of times)
Artist: Prince & The Revolution
Album:Purple Rain OST

Notes:

"my audience is broken" (FwCd)

"she wants to be a mexican immigrant?" (FwCd)

"unfortunately its been cropped, you can't see the red shirt" (Ee)
"ah, but we both know its there...we both know it's there" (pM)

"I wish I could do that accent" (EE)
" ah, I think it requires a certain taste for cock my friend" (pM)

"starfish and coffee, maple syrup and jam, a butterscotch cloud and a tangerine and a side order of ham. If you set your mind free baby, maybe you'll understand."
(musical interlude)
"StarFish and Coffee"
Artist: Prince
Album: Sign O The Times

"maximum defense mode!!" (K9)

"I was counting the fringes, but found out they're all dreadlocked" (FwCd)

This concludes the minutes from tonight's meeting with The First Life Couple in Chambers.

Plays out to;
"The exodus has begun"
Artist: New Power Generation
Album: Exodus

FW: Unconditional relationships #1.

Ah. Seems to be working again.

Upload issues

Seems to be an issue with email attachments. Supposed to be pictures with the below entries.

Unconditional relationships #1.

..tzzt...we...tzzzt...apologise for the loss in ...tzt..icture and sound. We have a contextual appropriation anomaly. Normal service will resume...tzt.. Or not. In the mean time here is some music......tzzt...

misfit
Artist: amy studt
Album: pop princesses (in my collection)

Unconditional.

..tzzt...we...tzzzt...apologise for the loss in ...tzt..icture and sound. We have a contextual appropriation anomaly. Normal service will resume...tzt.. Or not. In the mean time here is some music......tzzt...

Girls and boys
Artist: prince
Album: parade

Not so hung over. Charlie took care of that.

SNOW! Woohoo! And technically its still christmas, so in my book we have touchdown on a white christmas! This excites me more than it should.
Going back to work after the xmas break was a touch tough yesterday. Really could've done with another day. I'm sure that's the same for all of us. The few of us that here is in the office struggled to ge up to speed, wih the exception of him whose name is above the door. He fluttered and flitted about the office with the same gusto as normal. Moving bits of paper around and telling us the way things are going to be. Again. I wish he'd just go out and take photographs and leave us to run the studio. Things would run a dam site smoother if he did. Anyway enough about him. He's a whole issue all his own.
Thank the baby jesus for coffee and cigarettes.

Hopelessness and loss.

Well maybe not. That's a wee bit dramatic.
Maybe.
Rather than wait til i'm hungover on a thursday morning to blog, I thought, perhaps foolishly, that i'd blog now...before the hang-over on the wednesday night, 5 pints on an empty stomach, a wee bit squifey, whilst I eat my dixie chicken burger supreme and large fries smothered to hell in mayonaise, waiting in the deserted railway station for the last train back to knaresborough.
Conversation ran deep with an old mate of mine tonight, a few honest home truths came home, well, to roost I guess. As much as I appreciate straight talking and honesty, it kinda bummed me out to be honest. It might be the beer talking but right now i'm determined to resolve a situation one way or the other once and for all. It has pissed me off unnecessarily for too long and is starting to annoy some mutual friends. Enough about that though, its silly and little more than extended playground politics. It needs sorting. 'nuff said.
The thing I wanted to talk about is the craziness that comes from finding yourself hopelessly falling for someone. Someone whose delicacy and fragility makes me want to hide her from the world in my arms and yet... whose cutsey cockiness, talent, humour and tom-boyish nature gives me reason to say 'holy crap, that's brilliant!' to anyone who will listen. In actual fact I'm dumbstruck. My (crikey!) pulse races when I see her and when I don't see her she is pretty much all I can think about. I have it really bad. Impulsively I have asked her to marry me at least a dozen times since new year. It could've happened too. I have a good friend and drinking buddy who is, apparently, an ordained minister for the Church of Universal Truth. He was all up for marrying us there and then on new year. She (after, I have to say some serious thought) passed on the offer. It wasn't a no, it just wasn't a yes. Would've been cool though, we'd be bloody brilliant together...
As I watched her waving at me as she took her train in the opposite direction to that which mine would take me, I found myself hoping on hope that the feeling will pass, I know it will. I've been too cynical about relationships for too long for it to be anything but a passing infatuation (though the feelings are genuine), i'm clearly already analysing it and looking for the sillyness in what I feel so as to make some emotional withdrawal. My default defence mechanism kicking in, in response for the fool i make of myself when it comes to situations like this... A tactical retreat before the inevitable rejection. Its happened before, and it got messy. Don't want to go there again. I tell myself that for every moment of joy there are five moments of regret...that's not true, and the stupidly romantic part of me hopes on hope that it isn't (?), but experience and bitterness makes it feel true.
I'll regret having written this in the morning for various reasons...there are some things I should, no doubt keep in my diary. We have another 'date' on sunday, I can't wait. Makes me giggle and smile and full of sparkle and magic... Ha! But that's just me setting myself up up for a fall...again.
:)

Happy new year

So, yeah. Can I just wish ...everyone... who visits my blog regularly, a very happy new year. Here's hoping that the unresolved becomes resolved and that the life you're living is interesting and honest.