Hopelessness and loss.

Well maybe not. That's a wee bit dramatic.
Maybe.
Rather than wait til i'm hungover on a thursday morning to blog, I thought, perhaps foolishly, that i'd blog now...before the hang-over on the wednesday night, 5 pints on an empty stomach, a wee bit squifey, whilst I eat my dixie chicken burger supreme and large fries smothered to hell in mayonaise, waiting in the deserted railway station for the last train back to knaresborough.
Conversation ran deep with an old mate of mine tonight, a few honest home truths came home, well, to roost I guess. As much as I appreciate straight talking and honesty, it kinda bummed me out to be honest. It might be the beer talking but right now i'm determined to resolve a situation one way or the other once and for all. It has pissed me off unnecessarily for too long and is starting to annoy some mutual friends. Enough about that though, its silly and little more than extended playground politics. It needs sorting. 'nuff said.
The thing I wanted to talk about is the craziness that comes from finding yourself hopelessly falling for someone. Someone whose delicacy and fragility makes me want to hide her from the world in my arms and yet... whose cutsey cockiness, talent, humour and tom-boyish nature gives me reason to say 'holy crap, that's brilliant!' to anyone who will listen. In actual fact I'm dumbstruck. My (crikey!) pulse races when I see her and when I don't see her she is pretty much all I can think about. I have it really bad. Impulsively I have asked her to marry me at least a dozen times since new year. It could've happened too. I have a good friend and drinking buddy who is, apparently, an ordained minister for the Church of Universal Truth. He was all up for marrying us there and then on new year. She (after, I have to say some serious thought) passed on the offer. It wasn't a no, it just wasn't a yes. Would've been cool though, we'd be bloody brilliant together...
As I watched her waving at me as she took her train in the opposite direction to that which mine would take me, I found myself hoping on hope that the feeling will pass, I know it will. I've been too cynical about relationships for too long for it to be anything but a passing infatuation (though the feelings are genuine), i'm clearly already analysing it and looking for the sillyness in what I feel so as to make some emotional withdrawal. My default defence mechanism kicking in, in response for the fool i make of myself when it comes to situations like this... A tactical retreat before the inevitable rejection. Its happened before, and it got messy. Don't want to go there again. I tell myself that for every moment of joy there are five moments of regret...that's not true, and the stupidly romantic part of me hopes on hope that it isn't (?), but experience and bitterness makes it feel true.
I'll regret having written this in the morning for various reasons...there are some things I should, no doubt keep in my diary. We have another 'date' on sunday, I can't wait. Makes me giggle and smile and full of sparkle and magic... Ha! But that's just me setting myself up up for a fall...again.
:)