When I had just received the news from my step-father, I got up and made myself a cuppa tea and cigarette. My first thoughts were of the loss, and the fact that I won't have the opportunity to be her cheeky grandson again. I had a proper chest heaving sob once or twice and that certainly made me feel that I could handle the rest of day.
Almost immediately following that was the thing I mentioned yesterday...her voice and scenes from her life both playing in my head, i'm not suggesting any hocus pocus or ghosties, that's not her style...but I felt elated for her, happy that she was with her brothers, sisters and her husband...probably all doing the hokey cokey cockney style for an eternity... :)
And that's the feeling I carried with me for most of the day.
My family and I went for lunch in Café Rouge and drank pernod and toasted Violet. Nana didn't really drink much of anything, in my lifetime she only ever drank pernod from a glass threatened with a drop lining the bottom.. And only then once a year on her birthday and/or christmas. It was one and the same day so I never knew what she was drinking for. I never thought to ask.
I alone probably drank as much pernod at lunch yesterday as nana did in the last ten years. Between us we probably drank as much as she did in...crikey...40 years.
A trip to the hospital chapel to see her (hastily) laid out body, was something I kinda wish I hadn't done now.
She didn't look right. Her right eye was slightly open, her teeth had slipped and there was lint on her face. The blanket covering her had been tucked in between her chin and neck collar giving her a too tense, uncomfortable look.
All I could think was 'its not her, its not her' as my mother, my sister and niece wept. I bent down and kissed her forehead and whispered 'sweet dreams'. She was cold. I wasn't expecting that. Cold like a waxwork in Tussards.
Then I went to the pub. And got drunk. Pints of smooth with jamiesons chasers. With reassuring hugs and pats on the back from mates.... It wasn't long before I was pissed beyond distraction. Probably made an ass of myself. I often do in that state of mind. I try too hard to enjoy myself, or try too hard to have a conversation... Women and girls were annoying me and the band was too loud. I wondered off with nick.
We ended up at a mate's house talking about the pros and cons of bisexuality. At one point I kicked nick in the face. I don't know why...but thankfully cj piled in and broke it up before nick tore me a new one. I think it was an accident. Its not like me to get aggressive or violent. Everything was okay when I left. I was even quite proud that after all these years, I had made nick (he is proper hard fighting bloke) bleed. Even if it was a lucky strike in an accident :)
Caught the last bus home alone with my dixie chicken. I remember feeling real anger when I was alone in the quiet of Chambers. Not with anyone or anything, but really angry nonetheless. Wanted to shout, hit things, smash, break and throw things. I didn't, like I say that's not my style, but the feeling was almost overwhelming.
I rolled myself a bifta and my double vision blurred...I woke up shivering at 0630 naked and on top of my duvet feeling like shit.
I hadn't been sick. So thats something.
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