It really is very kind of you and a comfort to know I have such caring, supportive friends that know just what to say when I need to hear it. Thankyou. Love to you all.
Vi was always one of the great consistencies in my life and I kinda hoped she always would be, I never actually seemed to notice she was getting older and older. Although it wasn't a surprise when she died, it was a shock.
The funeral is next friday. My family has asked me to say (to those concerned) that rather than sending flowers we'd be very grateful and very much appreciate that gesture being made as a donation to a cancer charity (Cancer Research UK is my particular choice) as that is now, ultimately what took both of my grandparents. It is a good cause and what Vi would have wanted.
So the thursday report. Hmm. What to say?
I'll skip over the frustration and panic i'm feeling about how i'm going to pay my rent, my bills and feed my daughter.
I've gone and caught some cold bug thing. Laying in bed with a cup of tea, got a headache, my sinuses and faceholes feeling like they are full of cotton wool and dust and hot flushes of the dizzy kind make me curl up and bury my face in my pillow. I thought it was a hangover when I woke up this morning. But i've not had a hangover like this before and anyway I didn't drink that much last night...not really.
There was a general sense of oddness floating around yesterday. If I thought I was having a bad couple of weeks then I am reassured that it isn't just me. Actually before the full moon edgeyness of the pub last night, I had had quite a productive day. I have started to put myself out there as a freelance designer/artist/whatever, I finally managed to pull my lazy ass up to the local gallery to go through my portfolio, they said they'd take some of the more saleable stuff late february and early march and some (as yet unpainted) pics for a thing in May. They also pointed me in the direction of a gallery in york who would probably be very interested. All good stuff. I was going to go through to york today with Loubie (who also, independantly, suggested the same gallery in york yesterday) to sort that out, but with the man flu i'm suffering with.... (oww my head hurts. Cough cough cough. sniff)
A couple of other interesting leads popped up yesterday too, which just require a phone call. They're both on the Things To Do Before I Die List. So I won't jinx them by flaffing about them now.
So anyway, climbed (from the inside) the steeple of a church in Boroughbridge yesterday morning with Richard the Architect, which was exciting. I'll sort out the panoramic pic for paintMonkey's flickr site this afternoon. I was quite enjoying myself on top of the church until Javan the Photographer rang me just to demonstrate that he is a control freak and twat. I suspect that i'm not going to get the money he owes me. (Ohh, there's that panic in my stomach again.)
Found myself in Harrogate mid afternoon trying to get some enthusiasm together for the regular mid week celebrations, but save for a couple of the usual suspects it was very quiet and, like I mentioned earlier, a bit 'full Moon Wierd'. The Minister and I quit the pub and returned to Moonie's for pork pie, cheese and chuckney. We got a bit stoned and talked about poiltics AND religion... And how I doubt i'll even want to meet a significant other after all this time single...
Other than feeling crappy when I woke up I remembered the dream I had been having. Without telling you the sordid details of the dream itself, it occurred to me that I have again developed a crush on someone. Kinda contradicts what I was chatting to the Minister about last night. So I have decided, for consistency and ease I shall do nothing about it at all.
I realise that there are many many happy couples out there, in fact some of the couples I know are properly perfect happy partnerships without shackles or restrictions and I wouldn't have it any other way for them but in my personal experience....Who needs relationships anyway? They just fuck everything up. And they generally end in tears...one way or another.
Like my Nana, whose husband died in 1965, said only a year or so ago when she asked if I was "stepping out" with anyone and I had replied "no";
"ooh you do right, last thing anyone needs is someone always looking over your shoulder and checking up on you all the time. If you're on your own, you don't have to ask anyone's permission to do what you want, you can just go and enjoy yourself".
It makes me smile still. Of all the family I have, I always thought she would be disappointed that I hadn't settled down and married etc etc. But here she was at 97 years old giving me her blessing and a good reason to carry on as I am. All with a knowing sparkle in her eye. There are conversations she and I never had, I think now we didn't need to.
I will miss her.
That is all.
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