Durge Purge v2.3

...with little else to do at work today, i have activated Stealth Blogging Mode - my web based hotmail is open in a window, which in turn is 'cloaked' within a complicated Excell document. Now the directors can walk in and out of their offices behind behind all they like. As long as they see me typing and i'm not ignoring my work email and the phone, it should all be okay.
 
i woke up at 5:30 this morning, wide awake, but with an odd dizziness, the kind of dizzy one would feel when having drunk too much, so not an unusual feeling, odd however as i hadn't been drinkng. Didn't even smoke that much yesterday. Its almost certainly nothing, probably something to do with the toothache i've had for the last few weeks, just a thing to start this week off.
 
I'm about to cautiously skate over the events for last week for now, i'm not about to use my little piece of internet to intentionally explain or perpetuate the vicious circles of someone who will take themselves hostage in the name of fundamental emotionalism and needless drama. They have done that themselves with an open frankness on their own blog.
 
This is, however, my blog and for my part, i am in the middle of wildly contradictory feelings and it is a funny sensation. I didn't know what to think or feel and spent a few days pro-actively shutting down the parts of my head that do the feeling and thinking, battoning down hatches and putting up shields.  But now... but now i feel like i have been made a fool of... that i was being played from the start... set up to be the catalyst for a dramatic event. I have spent the last few days thinking it was my fault (as implied at the time), that maybe i saw it coming and did nothing to prevent it...that this is my fate, blah blah blah... 
no, i'm sure her feelings were sincere and genuine as where mine but experience tells me, i have to say, if it wasn't me in the role it would've been someone else and the events of the last month and specifically last week would have unfolded just as they did.
 
Right now, my temptation is to dive back into the mess, fix that which is broken and make right what was wrong. Laughable, innit? eh? The bugger is i thought i had found someone that read from the same book as i do, that i was ready and wanted to trust someone again. that i'd found a soul mate. i guess not.
 
I am genuinely glad and relieved that she is okay, on the mend and that she is lucky enough to have friends who will care for her. My feelings were real and sincere, but i said from the start i wouldn't pander to that self destructive behaviour, i have seen first hand what (actual) suicide does to those it leaves behind and i have too much at stake myself and enough to deal with in my own headspace to potentially be one of those 'left behind'...Life is a once in an eternity opportunity to exist and it is over soon enough. So that's that.
 
Back to square one i guess.